Hippie Shit

Do you ever get that feeling with intense physical activity or playing music or hiking through nature when become so intuned with your body, so completely aware of every muscle, every tendon, every fiber…every cell….. that you can actually sense their vibration?  That you actually can sense and feel the fact that you are simply energy, heat, electrons and ions crashing into and moving around one another? And then that awareness begins to expand, to separate, to fuse with the electrons in the air, travelling and expanding into the negative space between you and someone or something else?  You start to sense not only your vibrations, but theirs too?  And that expansion continues, multiplies exponentially and you feel weightless, spaceless, limitless.  There is nothing containing you, restricting you, defining “you” or “them” or “it.”  When you realize that there is no such thing as “other”?

That is why I practice yoga.  Because it brings me to those moments when you just TRIP OUT on how big it all is.  How connected we all are….how much love there is to feel.  And not just in your brain feel, or in your heart feel, or in your sexy parts feel.  But feel in a primordial sense that encompasses the entire circumference of all love ever experienced, ever.

Evah.

My yoga practice makes me a little bit better of a person, day by day.  Breath by breath.  More and more, in the everyday mundane, I find myself aware of my thoughts.  Aware of my surroundings.  Aware of my actions.  I often think about how I can do the right thing and how I can do the right thing more often.  I notice when I make a snap judgement.  I notice how I attack myself for my reaction.  How I judge myself for judging.    I think about things like compassion, kindness, and truth, even when it would be harmless and/or convenient to lie.

I notice when I stand in front of the mirror and criticize all of the parts I’d like to change.  When I wish that my hips had a little less curves or that my boobs sat up a little higher on my chest; my thighs didn’t always look this way.  Insecurity sets in and sets its hooks so deep that you say and do things that completely belittle how amazing you actually are.  You allow yourself to be stripped of your power; the deep-down, hard-to-summon knowledge of your intrinsic value and worth on this planet.  When I start to go down that road, when I start to wonder why the hell am I still single when everyone else is all snookered up, something must be wrong with me, (it must be the thighs) I take a deep breath in.  And a full exhale out.   I allow my vision to soften.  To blur it around the edges.  Not to disguise what I see, but because it’s not important what I see.  For that matter, fuck what anyone else sees too.

My yoga practice helped me find a voice.  My voice.  A sense of myself that is ingrained and has been since I was born.  A voice that I never knew existed, but everyone else has just been waiting to see emerge.  Faith in yourself you never allowed yourself to have.   All of the answers you ever need are right inside of you.  Always.

But we lose that knowledge.  We stop trusting ourselves.  We stop trusting out intuition.  We stop listening to the whispers of the heart.  We get sidetracked, caught up, overwrought, overworked, overstimulated, overbooked and slowly but surely, we begin to underestimate ourselves.

One day you wake up and you’re not quite sure who you are and how you got here.  Somewhere along the way YOU got lost.  This is not my life.  This is not my best self.

My yoga practice  taught me to inhabit my body, to live inside of myself, and for the first time, I actually like it in here.  I can say with confidence  that I am a good person trying to do good things on this earth.  And not in any narcissistic way, or with ego, but just quietly and calmly sure.  And why does guilt have to accompany self-praise anyways?

I am a work in progress.  Oh yeah, and I can touch my toes, which is also cool.

And like one of my teachers always says, “Now that I’ve told you all of that, forget everything I just said.”

Go find YOUR power.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Tanis
    Jan 30, 2012 @ 10:34:29

    Thank you so much for this. Lately I’ve lost my inspiration and confidence in myself and my practice..thank you thank you for reminding me yoga comes from within!

    Reply

    • Jennifer Reed
      Jan 30, 2012 @ 16:07:00

      Oh, I’m so glad that you were touched. It’s hard, isn’t it? Somedays, the inspiration is everywhere, and sometimes it is buried underneath layers (and layers) of Gunk! Buried or no, trust that it’s in there somewhere!

      Reply

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