Drawing Lines of Happy

Once upon a time , there was a girl.  Who met a boy.  They fell in love.  And oh, what a love.  Life-changing, mind-altering love.  Cells and molecules were rearranged forever as a result of their love.  It was sweet and gentle.  Passionate and consuming.  Love in the fast lane.  Fierce and intense.  Roman candles exploding at both ends.  It was also dark and dramatic.  Depressed and destructive.  Drunk and a bit fucked-up.  Little did they know, in that first, perfect kiss that their love was broken.

It took me a very long time to recover, recoil, rebuild after that love.  It’s been years, actually.  And to be honest, I believe that some broken hearts never fully heal.  Salt will always sting the wound.  The ache is less painful, less of a daily visitor in my stream of consciousness, but it aches all the same.

What followed that break-up was a very long period of pain.  Of questioning.  We all have to own up to our share.  We each get 50% responsibility.  So what was mine??

In the empty space that followed the tears, the sappy chick-flicks, the countless bottles of wine, the rants, the blame, the spiteful glares thrown at happy couples everywhere was loneliness.  Loneliness so empty, so quiet, so deep.  Loneliness in a vacuum.  Loneliness with zero atmosphere.

And then a very strange thing started to happen.  I was still alone, but I was happy.  I started to enjoy my own company, and not only enjoy, but prefer it.

I will never forget the turning point.  I was dancing in my shower, singing and looking forward to an exciting day of me-centered activities when the light bulb went off and I collapsed to my knees; tears and water colliding into soapy, salty rivulets down my cheeks.  Laughing and crying simultaneously.  Because I remember thinking, “From now on, this is the line I draw in the sand.  This is my measuring stick.  I KNOW I can make myself this happy alone, so from now I will only be with people who add to this happiness and not subtract from it.”

Who we choose to be a part of our lives is important decision making.  It’s like choosing how to align your planets.  And in this day and age of five-thousand Facebook friends, real relationships with real people seem hard to find.  But surround yourself with uplifting, positive people, and suddenly you’re skipping down the street singing, “This Little Light of Mine.”

As I pass my time here in Montreal, I realize that as we move through our lives, we affect people.  We change them simply with our presence in their lives.  They change us too.  (If you’re open to that sort of thing.)  I am blessed with a loving family, amazing friends spread far and wide across this planet.  Teachers in all ages, shapes and sizes: pets and children that remind me to play and keep things simple.  And though I’m not sure that I believe that we all are destined to end up with our soul-mates; we might not get Prince Charming and Happily Ever After, I do believe that we all deserve HAPPY.

So, ladies and gentlemen, have a dance party for one, align your planets with care, draw your lines in the sand and be happy.


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Stephanie levesque
    Apr 01, 2012 @ 10:07:26

    Wow, that was so well said!


  2. risingontheroad
    Apr 02, 2012 @ 00:25:29

    Wow wow, and so beautifully written!


  3. Lesley Anne
    Apr 05, 2012 @ 00:21:03

    You are such a beautiful writer Jen… and a beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing.


  4. Artsy
    May 09, 2013 @ 00:02:25

    So nicely written, so perfectly said. I feel like you just read my thoughts, and all of a sudden, I feel less lonely. Thank you.


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