Headstrong into the Ridiculous Unknown

marching forward

Ghandi says, “Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. “  

Every day we are given opportunities to do things, say things, live bravely, let go of our fears of rejection, abandonment and disbelief.  We are given the Proceed-Past-Go-Card in order to right our wrongs and move forward in our lives.
And every day, we allow these opportunities to pass us by.

I am being given opportunities (right here, right now) to move forward, and I am scared.  I am stuck.  Moored into place by what I know.  By what is comfortable.   I’ve had writer’s block for three weeks because I know there is something I must say, and I am not sure I’m ready to “go there.”  I have enlisted every possible form of distraction and procrastination, including, but not limited to, excessive sleep-ins, excessive yoga, cooking ridiculous meals, and a newfound fascination with Garage Band on my computer.  Maybe, I’ll just become a DJ.

What is “moving forward” anyways?  Is it not merely a reckoning of our past in order to break out of the cycles that have and will continue to dictate our lives now?  One thing that is becoming clear to me is we cannot look forward until we summon up the strength to look backwards.  Mathematical impossibility.  So, as an individual who believes life is about surging forward with spirit, I know I must do what I must.   And though I know this in my brain, and even in my heart, that sickening lump of fear remains wedged in the base of my throat.

Can we really find the courage to face our deepest fears?  Transformation is simple in a conceptual way, but is assuredly not easy in real-life time.  Ditching a lifetime of ingrained beliefs and behaviors seems like voluntarily agreeing to amputation.  Can we trust enough to redefine ourselves and find a new way of being?  Can we really do the work?

Ironically, or perhaps not, the thing I need to reckon with is flashing in my face like a neon sign on the Las Vegas Strip.  And I am frantically fumbling to find my sunglasses.  We always KNOW what we need to do, don’t we?  Whether we choose to take action is up to us.

Letting go means that I must face what I do NOT know.  Marching headstrong into the ridiculous unknown.  It means opening up to a level of vulnerability that feels, in my mind, like a rib retractor being inserted through my sternum so that my heart might be on full display for all to see.  Conceptually, I know this can open up truth, compassion and forgiveness in their most pure, distilled forms…but it is terrifying nonetheless.

I allow Ghandi’s words to percolate.  It may be insignificant, but I know it must be done.  And so, I set the stage.  I struggle to summon strength.  I remain committed.

Wish me luck.

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kyle
    Mar 23, 2013 @ 03:36:57

    i love this. thank you… i am moving apart from someone i’ve spent most days with for 17 years today and this rings loudly true in my present ears… absolutely beautiful piece and if you put that amount of mojo in whatever you are moving forward into you’ll be nit just fine but great… imua.

    Reply

  2. Mary Lynn Muttart
    Mar 23, 2013 @ 05:43:28

    Love you Jen! You won’t just do fine….you’ll rock it!!!!! I believe in you! xo

    Reply

  3. Kimberley Smith
    Mar 23, 2013 @ 07:41:47

    Go Jen go!

    Reply

  4. Tracy
    Mar 23, 2013 @ 10:28:10

    I am sending you lots of love Jen! You can take this on!!!

    Reply

  5. Sara
    Mar 23, 2013 @ 15:43:38

    Luck luck luck sweetheart.

    Reply

  6. Dad
    Mar 24, 2013 @ 12:54:33

    We all love you and are with you..excited to see where it leads..

    Dad

    Reply

  7. Julie
    Mar 24, 2013 @ 22:17:37

    Some people wait for a heart attack or cancer to make a transformation. Why not start now and avoid all that?

    Reply

  8. Marie-Helene
    Mar 30, 2013 @ 20:28:17

    Wow. Wonderful post. So true, inspiring and beautifully said. Thank you! 🙂

    Reply

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