Previously Paved

Memoirs of a Downward Facing Dog

After years of whining about being single, flying solo and lacking love and suddenly I find myself in a new relationship. And truthfully, for as much as I romanticized the romance in my singledom, in reality: it’s mutha-fuckin’-terrifying.

Those ancient, unfamiliar feelings: butterflies that almost make you want to puke.  A sudden concern about whether your legs are shaved or not. The inability to make decisions at the grocery store and text messages that in my previous single life would probably have caused me to throw my phone in the toilet: “No, you’re amazing.” “No. YOU!” “No, really, you—”    ….Hurl, Heave, BARF!

Who are we but a sum of our relationships? What defines and shapes us more that the people we have spent time with?  Succinctly put, there are those we have affected and those we have been affected by.  At the end of the day, or in our last breathing moments, is it not more important to have loved ones by your side than to have wealth, or beauty, or things?  And isn’t the way that we behave within the context of our relationships so often a reflection of how we see ourselves?

The relationships we create with our family members are the easiest to take for granted.  It’s almost natural to be critical of our siblings or parents; we feel we have a right to judge.  We throw stones for the choices they’ve made or actions we don’t understand or agree with, but isn’t it simply a matter of perspective?  Just maybe, there’s another side to the story?  If only we choose to see?

And if we can accept them for who they are, what they’ve done and how they got to be the person they are now, might we open up a little room to forgive ourselves for all the times you made her feel small, or pinned her down and slurped up spit over her eye, (which inevitably landed in the eye), or teased at slumber parties, or ignored?  Could we leave our own pasts in the past and honor the road that led to here?  And then relate to one another from present day, honest-to-god truth?

With our lovers, could we not seek to alter or change or improve? Could we not belittle or berate or nag; finding fault (and solace) in all of the things that deflect from the reality of our own insecurities.   Could we leave behind the games of chase and pursuit, the drama, and the hierarchy of whose shit is worse than whose and instead, meet on level playing fields—open and undefended?  Could we not simply let them be to thrive, and grow, and fail, and flail in the sum total of all of their magnificent glory and humble shortcomings?  And in doing so, might we eventually find satisfaction and PEACE in who we are and all of the shit we inevitably bring with us too?

Is there not so much more levity when you summon the ability to acknowledge that sometimes the very thing we are most afraid of is ourselves?

That just maybe, if you loosened your grip even a bit, on your cynicism, doubt, and fear and relinquished your conviction that you don’t deserve this; you might end up with exactly what you want?

There is a crossroads at every juncture; in every moment, a choice.  To do things differently than you did before.  To learn from the past without dwelling and to move forward without being a scaredy-pants-nincompoop.

So that all that came before is only fuel for all that is yet to be:  abundant, rich, satisfying and full of love.


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