Searching for Samurai

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There is something I forgot.  A lesson once realized, but like most things, gets dulled over time.  Like a sharp knife cutting pennies on a steel chopping block.

I forgot how hard it is to be human.

To watch yourself make the same mistakes.  Repeat the same patterns.  To love and to lose; to fail miserably and to do it all wrong and yet, somehow find the courage to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and hope and pray that you won’t fuck it up all over again.

Hitting rock bottom hurts like hell.

I sometimes get overwhelmed by the fragility of humans.  It’s so hard to be real. To be honest.  To be an adult.  To be scared.

But it’s so easy to criticize.  Ourselves, each other…to measure up constantly to how we perceive “they” see us.  And rarely, when we see sides of ourselves that we could improve upon, do we find compassion towards our fallibility.  Or acceptance.  It’s easier to point fingers and throw insults and lay blame.

So, I’ll say it again.  What if we could be open and undefended?  What then? What if it was okay to be raw, breakable, sensitive and full of flaws?  I’m so tired of all the articles about being strong and independent.  Who made the rule that we had to be cool all of the time?

Guys, we need each other.

You don’t learn anything if you live your life in a vacuum. In the midst of pain, it’s hard to admit this, but you learn from hurting and being hurt. You learn from loving and being loved.  From accepting and being accepted.  And in my story, nobody has ever said, I see it all, and still I choose you.  It sucks sometimes to take a cold, hard look in the mirror and to be real and still love what you see.  But apparently, there is much to learn.  And probably, mostly about myself.

Through my skinny bones I feel my heart.  It beats loudly against the back of my sternum.  And it is capable of so much love.

It’s all quite dull at the moment, but still, I am busting out the whetting stone and searching for my edge.

 

 

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